If only I would have eaten that cookie after lunch. If only I had taken a run after work. If only I had not gone to happy hour. Too often, I ask myself questions like these when I step on the scale in the morning. It is foolish to blame increasing numbers on the scale to a single event.
I can’t go back to yesterday – because I was a different person then. – Lewis Carroll
This Lewis Carroll quote appeared in my Twitter feed this past week. Sometimes a single tweet stands out among the others. This was one of those tweets. It caught me red handed. Carroll was right. It is not so simple to travel back to yesterday and erase a single event expecting great changes today.
Over the past five years, I have worked hard to change the person I am. Every day I made decisions. Some were minor and others were major. Some were good and some were not so good. Every morning I woke up a changed person. It is not until I look over 5 years rather than over twenty-four hours that I can see the magnitude of change.
I find myself trapped in this backward looking thinking especially when I look at my weight. Many who have undergone weight loss surgery know this fear well. My bariatric surgery gave me a new lease on life. As the pounds go up on the scale, I fear I am losing my battle with obesity.
I have been having problems with my Lapband over the past nine months. After a long series of tests, it is currently unfilled with almost no restriction. I find myself without the tool that served me well over the past five years. I added twenty pounds back I thought were gone forever. This has made me even more paranoid with the daily decisions I make.
This is why Lewis Carroll’s quote spoke so much to me this week. I looked back on my life and saw a person I am not today. I am much more active. I am vigilant when I grocery shop or eat in restaurants. I understand what it takes to be a healthy fit person. I did not understand that at all five years ago.
This summer my bariatric journey will be taking me in a new direction; a direction I never quite expected. I am prepared to look forward in terms of my weight. Life is all about living in the here and now. It is about learning from my experiences. These experiences allow me to live a better and fuller life.
Yesterday does not constrain me. It prepares me to live my life to the fullest from this point forward.
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Tom, this is such a hard part of weight loss and maintenance. I think that we never think about having to accept that we will gain weight again. It’s what we do when that weight starts to creep on. Digging deep and finding that new you and those new habits is the way we can stay on track. No freaking. Just calm introspective which you are truly doing. I am sure it is hard without the use of your band. But your habits will serve you too. Love to you and hugs!! Get out on your bike and find that center!!
Thank you Tracy for your kind words. I am more comfortable with my decision every day. I know I am focused on what I want to accomplish. This is something I must do to maintain my life as I live it today and plan to in the future.